Don't Touch My Llama
by hatashikitty
Summary: After Kuzco's adventure as a Llama, he's turned over a new leaf and become a new Emperor. But does everyone believe that he's a different Kuzco? Not really. Someone from his past has grievances against him, and wants him to pay.
1. Chapter 1

The Emperor's New Groove, With The Word "Groove" Crossed Out With Red Ink And The Word "Execution!" Written Above It, Then The Word "Execution!" Crossed Out And The Words "Complete Death And Annihilation!" Written Above That, Then The Words "Death And Annihilation!" Crossed Out And Replaced With Big, Bold Words With All Capital Letters "UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA!" Written Above That With An Evil Smiley Face Drawn To The Side So Now That It Reads The Emperor's New UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA! : D

AKA: Don't Touch My Llama

By Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

Chapter 1: Why the Title of This Fanfic is

long.

_Hi, everyone. It's me, Kuzco. Emperor. You remember me. I was the star of "The Emperor's New Groove", a movie that that one company made. Here's some neat trivia kids: It's all truth. That's right. It was completely based on my life as Emperor. I'm not just some actor here to amuse you, and dance for you. In fact, as Emperor, I think you should all dance for me. And I can totally make you._

_ That is, if I didn't go through a life changing event such as turning into a llama and learning the important lesson of being kind to others. You should be lucky I learned that lesson._

_ Anywho, so you're all probably wondering why after such a successful movie and great life changing lesson that I'm here talking to you. You're probably also wondering why I've been turned back into a llama. But most of all, you're probably wondering "What's up with the new title? I really liked the other one. How dare they change the title?"_

_ Don't get your panties in a twist. There's a simple explanation for it._

_ And I'm still waiting for it._

_ See, it's like this. Even though I went through a terrible, awful ordeal and learned a very good lesson, not everyone was convinced by my miraculous transformation. There was someone out there who continued to hold a grudge on me._

_ Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who'd want to do something like that to me? I mean, I was a llama for like. . .two days. Isn't that punishment enough?_

_ Apparently, someone wants me to suffer._

_ What's that? Izma? You think it was Izma? Ha ha ha ha, you wish. _

_ No, I admit that Izma was cunning enough to pull the wool over my eyes for awhile, but her evil ways are nothing compared to the sinister, uncouth gorgon that stepped into my life and ruined it._

_ And for no reason whatsoever._

_ Oh, she might tell you some sob story about how I was "insensitive" or something like that, but I in no way whatsoever, deserved her festering scorn._

_ And you know what, she's someone you know. Oh, yes, you're quite familiar with her. Let's recap._

_ Okay, you remember this scene from my movie. After the dramatic opening, and my way cool theme song (Love it. Buy the CD), I looked over a group of young ladies who had a chance of marrying the coolest guy in the world. PSH. Unlikely._

_ Let's watch. Roll film_

_ "Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?"_

_ Stop! There. Right there. Look at her. Miss "Great Personality". Don't let her appearance fool you. See the evil glint in her eyes. The fiery rage in her face as she raises her iron fist to hurt poor little me. Totally not lady -like. All you guys out there, here's a lesson for you. Whenever women ask you to completely honest with them, don't be. It's an dastardly trap so they have an excuse to wreck your perfect life, take away everything important to you and change you back into a llama._

_ But I'm getting ahead of myself._

_ Let's go back in time._

_ Not that far back in time. Although, even at age eleven, I was still a handsome devil._

_ No, let's go back, right before my awesome theme song scene._

_ Now you're humming it, aren't you? I know you are._


	2. Chapter 2

(Author's Note: Quillana is pronounced Ki-ya-na)

Don't Touch My Llama (Yeah, we decided to stay with the second title)

By Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

Chapter 2: The Rise of the Witch

"Pst. Quillana. Wake up."

I lifted my head at the soft whisper. I had only lowered my head and closed my eyes for a moment to relieve the headache I could feel coming on.

I wasn't the only one. A few other girls were having trouble stifling yawns and keeping their backs straight. There were seven of us standing in a straight line as if we were going to be drilled. Or waiting for execution. We tried to keep tabs on each other, making sure nobody drooped or fell asleep.

The man who had the unfortunate job of being the Emperor's matchmaker kept assuring us that Emperor Kuzco would arrive soon. He had been saying that for the last two hours. And when you've been up before the sun, trying to make yourself presentable as a bride-to-be for royalty, and then made to stand completely still for a couple of hours, well. . . that's all I can say in my defense for right now.

As I shifted from one foot to another to get some feeling back into my legs, a sudden burst of music came from beyond the door that led out of the room. A few of the girls jumped, and looked around nervously.

Now I had only been in the palace for less than a day. The night before I had arrived with little time to adjust before I was told I'd soon be paraded in front of the most powerful young man in the land. Nice welcome.

So, I was unaware of our dear Emperor's unusual behavior, unlike my fellow prospective brides. I looked around, wondering why everyone was so jumpy. Was the young Emperor that scary? Or was it something else?

"Ah, that's his theme song. Get ready girls, he'll be here any minute," the matchmaker exclaimed, and fussed over us for a while. He straightened one girl's dress, draped another girl's hair differently, and picked a spot of lint off of my shoulder. Out of all of us, he seemed the most nervous. What was he worrying about? At least he wouldn't have to marry the guy.

As the tension in the room grew until it was suffocating, I kept my eyes on the door and my chin low in a demure fashion. I was the daughter of a highly respectable and sophisticated family, with some royal lineage in my blood. I was taught to hold my head held high, except when presented to those of higher station.

Nobody came higher than Emperor Kuzco.

The door burst open.

"Boom-Baby!"

From the corner of my eyes, some of the girls jumped or widened their eyes, or both. I thank my mother's training that I was raised not to bat an eye to anything surprising. Not a flinch. The matchmaker, however, jumped highest of all, and immediately started to shake.

Kuzco must have been proud of his entrance, because he posed in the doorway with the smarmiest smirk I have ever seen before sauntering in. He wore silk clothing with colors brighter than any other I had seen, some of it even looking like spun gold. He had thin, round earrings carved from the most beautiful turquoise. And to top it off, his sleek, obsidian-black hair was accentuated with the royal crown that represented the power of the sun.

While his clothes told of his richness, the style wasn't anything I had ever seen. The back end of his robe curled up in a little curie-que that made me think of a squirrel. Eccentric clothing. An air of arrogance. So, this must be the Emperor.

So far, I wasn't impressed with our glorious leader. His behavior didn't speak much of first impressions. But I was willing to give him the benefit of a doubt.

"Alrighty. Trot out the ladies."

I saw one of the girl's lips quiver. My jaw tightened.

"Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Gasps of astonishment and hurt came from each girl as he pointed to each of them and spoke criticizing words. They were like sharp needles to the soul.

Then Kuzco stopped in front of me. His eyes lids were lowered halfway, and a sneer appeared on his royal lips.

" And, let me guess, you have a great personality."

The next few seconds were a blur as my body moved on its own. The next thing I knew, the girl next to me had my wrist in hand and was holding me back from striking the Emperor in the back of his stupid, royal head to knock some sense into that hollow melon of his. Thank goodness for me that she stopped me.

I halted for a moment to calm down and take a deep breath, which I had a hard time concentrating because the matchmaker was babbling some sort of excuse as to why the Emperor's selection wasn't good enough for his Excellency.

It was hard for me to imagine that I had become so angry as to be on the brink of violence. I have always been patient and long suffering in my work around my village, and have never raised a hand to anyone. But within a few minutes of meeting Emperor Kuzco, I was about ready to commit regicide.

After a while, the Emperor Kuzco dismissed us in a crude and callous way so he could go do important Emperor business. Rumor was that he was organizing the construction of his own personal water park.

The matchmaking ceremony didn't go as I thought it would.

I imagined that it should be more like an interview. You know, what do you think the wife of an Emperor needs to do? If I was Empress, how would I support my Emperor and country? What do we have in common? You know, those kind of things. If I knew he was going to judge us on our looks like we were some piece of horse flesh, then I would have opened my mouth to show that I had all my teeth.

All seven of us women were hustled back to our bedchambers to either be pampered by palace servants, or catch up on much needed sleep. I, on the other hand, knew that this matchmaking was all one business transaction. Most royal marriages were based on what was best for the kingdom. I had assumed that he'd pick from the girls who answered the summons for brides. Emperor Kuzco was of age, and he wasn't getting any younger.

Well, I was going to find out what Kuzco's decision was. I went to the matchmaker, and asked who the Emperor had chosen to be his bride. The nervous little man wasn't sure, and would get back to me in a couple of weeks due to the Emperor's pending decision.

"A couple of weeks," I repeated in a stern, disapproving voice. A lady doesn't need to raise her voice to get her point across. "And what are we suppose to do in the meantime? Lay around and do nothing?"

"I guess."

I felt irritated for being prompt to the Emperor's summons, and when I arrive, I am treated with insults and bureaucracy. I couldn't help but thinking the reason for the Emperor's pending decision was his way of saying he was going to wait around to see if something better would come around.

"Then can you ask him to make a decision quicker. After all, some of us have more important things to do than just lay around the palace," I told him. This statement was absolutely untrue (at least in my case. I'm not sure with the other girls), but he didn't have to know that.

The matchmaker just wrung his hands and babbled about excuses and the Emperor's wishes.

Finally, after much debating and sighing (on my part), I persuaded him to let me see the Emperor that evening for a few short minutes. In my room, I practiced and prepared what I would say to him. A majority of my words were perfectly crafted to display my regal habits, intelligence, knowledge of the country and economic, as well as mentioning my highly sophisticated lineage. Basically, I was going to flaunt everything I had at him.

I try not to think of it as seducing him. To me, this was going to be no more than two adults conversing over a business deal. It was NOT seducing.

The bi-colored guards watching over the Emperor's room watched me as I approached. I couldn't help but wonder if they were born red and blue, painted, or tattooed. I matched their stares considering my station. They intimidated me with their massive size and spears, but I was determined not show it. I kept my head held high as I stopped in front of the door.

"I have an appointment to see the Emperor," I told the guards firmly.

The guards nodded. One opened the door for me, while the other leaned menacingly down to me so he could whisper in my ear.

"You have five minutes. The Emperor can't be kept waiting. He has a very important dinner engagement."

"I understand," I told him, and walked passed the two.

I was surprised that I was meeting Emperor Kuzco in his own quarters, it seemed much more private and personal than I thought our meeting should be. I thought that either I had made a mistake in judging him in so many different ways, or that he was even more laid-back than I thought.

Kuzco's room was filled with every luxury I could think of and more. It seemed all a little excessive to have a bed the size of a pool, three jacuzzi and your own personal chef with a gourmet kitchen in your bedroom. It looked like the fantasy world of a spoiled little child. The more and more I knew of Kuzco, the more I wanted to get out of there.

But I couldn't. If I had to, for the sake of my family, my village, and the empire, I would marry Kuzco and be a good Empress. With an Emperor like Kuzco, his wife had to be good ruler or something bad was bound to happen. It was my duty to the empire.

Kuzco was singing in front of his full length, straightening his clothing, and combing his already sleek and straight hair. The way he looked at his image told me he thought he saw perfection. It was as if he were flirting with himself.

"Okay, lady, hurry it up. I've got to go to this 'oh-so-important' dinner that my ex-adviser just arranged for me," Kuzco said, nonchalantly as he admired himself some more.

"Ex-adviser?" I couldn't help but ask. Rumors about Izma's power and influence on the justice system of the empire was notorious. I was a bit curious at this announcement. Was Kuzco finally getting smarter about running his kingdom? If he was, getting rid of Izma would have been a great leap.

"Oh, yeah. I fired her today," Kuzco said without the least bit of remorse. "Yeah, I caught her sitting in my seat again."

I let my face slip at that, but recovered. _I must be careful_, I told myself. _If he'll fire someone for just sitting in his seat, then I should stay on his good side. _I took a deep breath. It was getting harder and harder to read the Emperor.

"My Emperor," I said, lowering to my knees. "Please forgive this humble one's presence in your most honorable sight. This one is ashamed that she did not please His Royal Majesty this morning. Perhaps if this one knew what displeased His Eminence."

I used my mother's old way of talking to depict a humble and lowly attitude.

"Wha. . .Oh that. Sorry, sister, but I don't think there's anything you can do to 'please' me," Kuzco said coldly.

"This one was thinking that if His Grace would tell this one what he is looking for, perhaps this one could become who His Royalness is looking for."

"What?" Kuzco exclaimed, turning away from his beloved mirror. "I don't know what you're saying, but let me straighten you out. What I'm looking for is something you can't become."

I blinked.

"I know what kind of girls all of you are. Snooty patooty chicks that know what to say all the time, polite and sophisticated," Kuzco ranted, using a mocking tone. "You've been hand picked by just as snooty mommies thinking that I'll marry one of you and that they'll run the kingdom and the palace and mooch off of my wealth. If I'm going to be stuck with so much baggage, I'm going to make sure that girl is as gorgeous as I am."

The shallowness of his words stunned me.

"This one. . ." I started to say.

"Can get her prissy butt off my floor and leave," Kuzco finished the sentence for me. "Because as far as I'm concerned, you didn't even make the bar."

I stood up, my eyes wide.

Once again, I was filled with that indescribable rage that took over my thoughts and actions without my knowledge. My reaction was quicker than thought as I rushed to that smug, condescending face, hands petrified into claws to scratch and pierce with sharp nails. I can imagine how twisted my face was with intense revenge for Kuzco's words.

But as fast as I was, Kuzco's guards were faster. The next thing I knew, I was being restrained by strong hands, my perfectly manicured nails a hair's width away from the Emperor's calm face.

I would once again reiterate that I have never lost my temper or raised a hand against anyone else. I have been the epitome of restraint and peace for the majority of my life. Until I met him.

"Bye-bye," Kuzco said to me, with a wicked grin on his face, and waved at me.

Then the guards took me away.

Once caught, I was willing to go peaceably, figuring that I had embarrassed myself enough. I would soon be packing up and leaving, within twenty-four hours of arriving at the palace. That must have been some sort of record. I was willing to accept that I'd be kicked out of the palace, and never allowed to come back ever.

However, I couldn't figure out why the guards were taking me to the window.

As the realization of my eminent doom appeared to me, I fought as much as I could against those two guards, forgetting any resemblance of a sophisticated, well-balanced young woman of high lineage.

But that didn't stop them from hurling me from the top window of the grand palace. As I fell, I cursed the architecture who decided to build the blasted thing so high. Many other thoughts went through my mind at that time. My favorite was, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Lucky for me, I landed in the moat. The water broke my fall, and almost my neck. I hauled myself out; a bedraggled mess covered in mud and water plants. I rung out my clothing as best I could before walking slowly away from the palace.

I was cold, and shivering as I passed through the emptying streets. A tender hearted baker took me in, and gave me a warm blanket and something to eat. He sent his son to the palace to retrieve my servants and my horse. I gave the baker some gold coins for his kindness, and then found an inn.

That night, I planned to go home. But to make sure my family and village wouldn't receive any recoil for my actions, I planned on sending an apology gift to the emperor. There was a goldsmith in the city that made fine work, and I had enough money to pay for a statue of Kuzco to be made. I figured that would be a proper appeasement gift for the conceited royal youth.

However, my plans were in vain.

News of the Emperor's death was called out on every corner early the next day. As much as I disliked Kuzco, I felt ashamed for treating him so poorly on his last day on Earth. I went to the goldsmith to order the same gift I planned the night before. It would be a proper funeral gift to be put in the Emperor's tomb in his final resting place.

The funeral was bleak and dreary, and disturbingly curt. Izma (who obvious made a great dinner last night since she was given her job back) was directing the event, and promptly started changing the palace into her image once the ceremony was over. I didn't hang around to talk to our new monarch, but started on the road despite how late in the day it was.

While I tried not to feel glad about it, it was to my benefit that the Emperor had died.

You see, I am the daughter of a village Elder and Leader. My mother is the niece of a neighboring king. My lineage is somewhat noble, and my family owned an expansive estate and a very low title. Our village, while it was small, it was very rich. A majority of the residents were wealthy retirees and the Nouveau riche. My part in the village was an icon. I represented the village at social functions.

My mother, as the niece of a king, taught me how to act in sophisticated company. It would have been a black mark on my mother if word had gotten out about my behavior toward the Emperor.

That's one benefit.

My father taught me to be a peacekeeper. I would talk to the residents whenever there was a small disagreement. Nothing too big, just property line issues or someone was angry about someone's dog on their lawn. My father trusted me to keep the peace in the village. It would reflect badly on my father if I didn't keep the peace wherever I went.

That's benefit number two.

When the call for brides came from the capital, the villagers were very proud to send me. They loaded me up with all sorts of jewels and gold for my dowry. They even sent with me the Golden Statue of Chasca, our village's animal patron. It was made of the finest gold with large priceless blue sapphires for its eyes. They were sending it with me as good luck. And because I wasn't at the palace long, my dowry hadn't been taken from me. When I returned, I brought our sacred statue with me.

Benefit number three.

The villagers were so proud of me and thought so highly of me, that they were absolutely convinced that the Emperor would choose me as his bride. There was no doubt in their mind that I would not be returning to them. They also let me know that if, by some very small and miniscule possibility that I didn't become chosen, that I would be a total disgrace to the village.

Benefit number four.

So I felt very lucky that everything I had to be ashamed of wouldn't follow me to my village. I had a suitable excuse for my return, which all the villagers accepted in good humor.

The next few days were completely normal. I greeted old friends, told them what the emperor was like (in a very nice way), went shopping, saw my psychiatrist, and organized a charity. I was happy.

Until awful, horrible and gut-wrenching atrocious news came to our village.

The Emperor was not really dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Don't Touch My Llama

Chapter 3: Towing the Line

By: Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

_You see what I mean? I warned you, didn't I? Don't let her girly little sob story fool you for a second, because it's all a ruse for you to turn against me._

_ Don't forget, she's the reason I'm back to being a llama. So uncool._

_ Just disregard everything she said, because its a lie. Everything in that chapter was a lie. _

_ Well, except for the chapter title. I'm the one who wrote it. Ha ha._

_ What's that? Some of you are sympathizing with her? You actually believe her. Oh, now I have to defend myself._

_ First off, that was the old me. That's not how I am at all. Remember, I've been a llama and paid for my crimes. I think that's good enough, don't you?_

_ And second, I didn't do anything to her, and she attacked me. I'm not a violent person._

_ Well, except that time on the cliff with Pacha. . . _

_ But that's a different matter._

_ Where was I. . . ?_

_ Oh yeah, she's so trying to get you onto her side with her glamorous words and nice writing techniques, but it has no heart. And did you see how much more space she took? It's like ten times longer than my bit. She had to take up so much time, that you almost forget about me. The victim._

_ She's crafty, but don't let her fool you._

_ Maybe I should tell you a little of my story._

_ You saw at the end of the movie where I was nice to that old man, I forget his name. Yeah, and I also didn't pulverize Pacha's house and build my own personal water park. Instead I built a smaller version of my water park, and invited friends to spend time with me there, and when I'm not using it, it's open to the public (for a small fee). _

_ And that wasn't all. I wam a changed emperor. I gave money to that scout group that talks to squirrels, gave nuts to homeless squirrels, and gave Kronk a new job as head cook and food taster._

_ See, I totally changed._

_ Yep, I felt like a new man. _

_ And then _SHE_ came back into my life._

_ It was less than a month of being back to my old self that Pacha wrote me a letter._

_ I need to explain something first. Pacha and I are really good friends. We hung out a lot at first, with me being human again and my water park just opening up. But after the fun and excitement ran out, there was a lot I needed to do. I was busy trying to change my ways, and learning to run my kingdom the _right_ way, and Pacha's family needed him. Soon, both of us were busy doing our own thang, so we didn't see too much of each other after that. It is a half a day's journey to Pacha's valley, especially since we couldn't find a proper bridge builder to replace the bridge we destroyed in a fit of desperate rage and anger._

_ Anyway, a month after being a llama, Pacha wrote me a letter. He and his family were going to come out to the capital. It was the annual merchant's march, where merchants and craftsmen take their stuff and stock all over the country. After a few weeks of traveling, they would arrive back here at the capital to sell wares they picked up on the trip. Pretty cool, huh? _

_ Yeah, it was news to me too, I hadn't even heard of it. But apparently its a big thing, and my people rely on the commerce._

_ Anyway, Pacha was going on the merchant's march to sell the excess of his flock. Apparently, he had a few too many alpacas and llamas to worry about. Not only that, but his wife is a wiz at crochet. You saw my awesome poncho. Pretty cool, huh?_

_ So, Pacha and fam were coming up for a few days before the march and see off Pacha. My buddy apparently promised that I'd show the kids my palace. I thought, no biggie. It's the least I can do for the man who saved my life. I can accommodate them for a few days._

_ I met them all at the palace gates, welcoming them with open arms. Pacha's wife looked a little tired, and the baby needed a nap, so she went to their room while I showed the older two the palace with Pacha._

_ At one point, one of my finance guys came up with a bunch of stone tablets._

_ "Wait up, you guys," I called to my guests. "I got to look at these."_

_ "What are they?" Chaca asked, curiosity written all over her face. She is one of the most curious kids I've ever known. The reason it took us such a long time to get through the palace was because she wanted to know about everything. _Hey, Kuzco, what's that. It's a birdbath, Chaca. Hey, Kuzco, how did they build that thingy. I don't know, Chaca, it was up there before I was born. Hey, Kuzco, how many bathrooms do you have? Like I count.

_See. Anyway, back to the story._

_ "Oh, just a few charities looking for donations," I told her, happily looking at them and writing down a few figures._

_ "What charities?" Tipo asked. Curiosity must run in the family._

_ "Let's see. There's the Humanitarians Against Eating Big Bugs, or HAEBB. One for a fisherman preserve. And a shelter for abused school teachers needs to be built," I told them. "They're all good causes."_

_ "Are you sure?" Pacha asked, and looked over my shoulder. His eyes widened. "Gosh, that's a lot of money. . . .Are you certain these are legitimate charities?"_

_ I shook my head at his quaint way of thinking. "Pacha, Pacha. I have people to do that. And its for charity. I'm a changed man. I'm the emperor. It's my job to take care of my people."_

_ Pacha looked as if he had something to say, but he didn't want to offend me. I really hate it when he looked like that. Why couldn't he just spit it out like I do? . . . On second thought, I like to have things sugar-coated._

_ "Well, maybe you're being a little too nice," Pacha said tentatively._

_ "Too nice?" I repeated, alittle confused and offended all in one. "Oh, wait. This is some kind of test to see that I've changed, right?" He's such a joker._

_ "Kuzco, you've made a huge leap there, buddy. It's amazing you've come this far," he said with his arms around my shoulders. "I can't believe the man I'm seeing now is the same emperor that I went to see so long ago. But maybe you need to cool it down a bit. After all, you don't want to rebound."_

_ "Rebound?" The word sounded familiar. It had something to do with sports. Or women. I forget which._

_ "Yeah. After all, if you over do it, you might just burn out and go back to who you used to be. And we don't want that," Pacha said, a small joking smile on his craggy face. "After all, changes like these should sometimes be taken slowly."_

_ "Psh, I'm fine. I've got a big heart now," I boasted. "Don't worry. I'll never go back to that old me. He was lame."_

_ And now Pacha looked doubtful again. "And you should be careful who you give money to. Once people start hearing about handouts, they'll say anything to get money. They're con artists and thieves out there. You should be very careful. How many of those charities have you been donating to?"_

_ "Oh, we get five or six a day," I said with a shrug._

_ "A day?" Pacha exclaimed, going off key like he usually does. "That's a lot of money. You should be careful. Where's your finance guys? We have to look at your books."_

_ "Relax, Pacha. You're on vacation," I said. "Don't worry about it. And as for those con artists and thieves, you think too little of people. There's a lot of honest people out there. Nobody would try to con the emperor."_

_ Wow, sometimes Pacha can be so naïve._

_ He still looked concerned, so I patted his shoulder and moved on with the tour._

_ After a while, Tipo yanked on my tunic to get my attention. He was bouncing around excitedly as if he had to use the bathroom._

_ "Kuzco! Kuzco! Guess what tomorrow is?" he asked in an inappropriately loud voice._

_ Like nobody doesn't know the answer to that question, especially if the kid is almost bouncing out of his skin to tell you. I decided to humor him._

_ "What's tomorrow?" I asked politely._

_ Tipo became still and quiet, to enhance the suspense. "It's my birthday," he shouted, a big smile on his round face._

_ "Really? Wow, how old are you going to be?" I asked, acting a little bit more excited. Yeah, you all know the drill when dealing with kids. Even if you know the answer, you have to ask._

_ "I'm going to be four," he told me, holding up the total number on his fingers._

_ "What? No, you're going to be three," I told him teasingly._

_ "Nuh uh. I'm going to be four," Tipo argued, but smiled knowing he was being teased._

_ "No, dude. I could swear that you're not that old," I continued on._

_ "No, it's for real," Tipo told me, looking smug._

_ I couldn't help but smiling. I swear, I'm not rubbing off on him. He must have learned his coolness from someone else._

_ "Well, great job, buddy. I guess you'll be learning to drive a cart now," I went on._

_ "No, Kuzco. That's not until I turn sixteen," Tipo laughed. "But we are going to El Burro's Cheezy Burritos to eat and have cake and play games and party. Can you come to my party? Please."_

_ I remember El Burro's Cheezy Burritos. A restaurant made specifically for kids. They first feed you greasy and extremely cheezy burritos, give you free cake on your birthday, and then parents can unleash their children on a melee of games, rides and a large playpen that smells of moldy cheese and smelly feet. It's pretty cool when you're younger than eight. Not exactly my scene._

_ "Well, I don't know Tipo. I have a lot to do tomorrow," I kind of, sort of lied to him. I know, but how do you tell a kid you don't want to go? Do you lie to him and tell him you want to go? I don't think so. So either way, I lie to him. At least this way, _my_ feelings also get spared._

_ "Really? What are you doing?" Chaca asked. Her precocious ways will get me in trouble some day._

_ "I have. . . I have. . .Wait a minute," I told them, and snapped my fingers. Within a second, my assistant sprinted in, and had my schedule in hand. "Let's look at my agenda," I told Tipo, and cleared my throat. "I have to dedicate a new mall, inspect the army and go on my weekly visit to the homeless. And that's all before ten in the morning. I'm completely booked," I told the family. Okay, I'll admit it. I only had inspect the army for tomorrow. Otherwise, it's a clean slate_

_ I'm the emperor. Like I'm going to keep myself busy all the time. I have people who'll do that for me. Sure I'll do a few of them, but I'm still learning being a good emperor. Give a guy a break. Besides, I don't have to justify myself to you. _

_ I was sure I had gotten off of going to El Burro's, but Pacha took me aside for a while._

_ "Come on, Kuzco. He's been looking forward to this all month. He's been telling all his friends that he knows the emperor. A few of them are going to be there," Pacha told me in a gentle whisper. "I know you're busy, but can't you come by for just a few minutes. That's all he wants."_

_ I looked back at Tipo, and his eyes seemed to grow larger and larger until all I could see were these big, sad eyes._

_ I sighed. I couldn't resist._

_ "Assistant, clear some space in my schedule. I'm going to the birthday party," I said in a royal voice._

_ The assistant, of course, looked confused since there was nothing to clear. "But, I. . ."_

_ "You tell all those other. . .people. . .that I have something more important to do," I said to my assistant. Then I smiled down at Tipo, who beamed up at me._

_ My assistant just bowed quickly, and left with a baffled look on his face. Good man._

_ The rest of the day was filled with Tipo's chatter about his birthday party, making the day pass by in a blur. Soon, night came, and we all went to sleep with the prospect that tomorrow would be good._

_ Little did I know that the next day would be one of the worst days of my life._

_ And it's because of her. Don't forget her. She's at fault. Not me._


	4. Chapter 4

(Author's note: Woot another chapter done. It's late because I was hit by cold season hard. Just to let my viewers know, yes I have seen Kronk's New Groove. I didn't think it was very good, so I am ignoring it. Just to let you know. See you next time. Also, I very, very much enjoy all the comments you give me. They make me very happy.)

Don't Touch My Llama

Chapter 4: My Chapter Is Better Than Yours

By: Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

Oh, real mature Kuzco.

I'm not going to sway the audience by acting "cool" and. . .well. . .Kuzco-like. I use truth and facts to tell my story, and if I present myself in a professional manner, then it is to my advantage.

And I would thank you very much, Kuzco, if you stayed away from my chapter titles. One prank is enough.

(You little blankity-blank.)

Before you corrupt our audience, I'm going to tell more of my side of the story.

So, I was in my village when we all received the bad news that Emperor Kuzco had come back from the dead, so to speak. While its good news for Emperor Kuzco, it seemed like very bad news to me.

I would describe the reaction of my father's village to you in great detail, but it became pretty ugly once the news spread around. In summary, most of the residents all thought that it was my fault; they said that I had concocted the rumor of Kuzco's death so that I could return without dishonoring my family.

My family listened as I explained to them what I experienced in the capital, but I don't think they believed me any more than the villagers. It hurt to see them patronizing me with sympathetic smiles and false words to calm me. In the end, they appeased the villagers by going on a trip to see the Emperor themselves. And me along for the ride. Their plan was to explain _MY_ mistake to the Emperor, and plead for him to reconsider me for marriage.

Thank you, mother and father, for sticking up for your only child.

The journey was long and embarrassing. I felt like a pathetic, old nag that's being taken to market with her owner's highest hope of selling me to the butcher for a few coins to be made into dog food.

Yet it was nothing compared to the humility I experienced once we attained an audience before Emperor Kuzco. I never thought that I would see his smug face again. He still acted just as smooth as ever.

And to make things worse, I wasn't allowed to speak for myself. My parents did on my behalf, and any noise I made would have reflected badly on them.

My father explained that I was one of the girls that answered the call for eligible maidens, and that the rumor of the Emperor's death had deceived me, so I came home. He then pleaded for Kuzco to reconsider me for a bride. I'm paraphrasing my father's speech, but it sounded more like a used llama salesman trying to sell an animal that belonged to a little old lady at a bargain price. It made me sick to my stomach.

One good thing about this meeting with Emperor Kuzco, he didn't seem to recognize me as his assailant. That was the only thing that was going in my favor.

Once my father had stopped speaking to Kuzco, the young monarch stood up from his throne of gold and deceit with a look of thoughtfulness.

"I know where you're coming from. I do," Kuzco said in a sympathetic voice, a small smile on his lips. "I appreciate you coming down here, and trying to do me a huge favor. It's so great to see your lovely daughter again. Hey there."

He winked at me.

For a second there, I had a thought that the Emperor had gone mad and the exaggerated rumors of his demise was an attempt to dethrone him before he did something really crazy.

"Then you'll marry Quillana?" my father asked, a look of hope in his eyes. My mother almost started crying.

"Whoa, n-now let's slow it down. Rewind a bit. I never said that," Kuzco nearly cried out. I saw his cool slip at my father's boldness.

"But you will marry her? She is the right age," my father rushed on before Kuzco could refresh his breath. "She is very beautiful. She takes after her mother. And she's very polite, has been trained to be good wife. And is also educated. Big bonus."

I could see my father's mental elbow poking Kuzco's proverbial ribs in a joking manner.

"I'm sure she is," Kuzco said, his eyebrows knitting together in a look of worry. I could almost see sweat coming down his face. "But you see, I'm not ready to settle down yet. I can't."

"Then you marry her later," my father insisted.

The whole situation would have been very hilarious if I wasn't being sold short by my own father.

Kuzco let out a large sigh. "No, I'm not going to marry her later."

"Why not? Is she not beautiful enough?" my father asked offended.

"No, it has nothing to do with how beautiful she is," Kuzco told my father. "I said I'm not ready, and when I am, I'll find someone who I'll marry. I'm sorry, dude. It's tempting, but I have to say no."

My father looked crest fallen. But after bowing in acceptance to the Emperor's word, he lifted his head. "Then you'll make her a concubine."

I could have just died right there. I wish I did.

"A concubine?" Kuzco repeated, his voice cracking a little. He cleared his throat, and then spoke a little deeper. "Uh, no, no concubines. Definitely not."

"Then a maid. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will dress you and take care of you," my father continued on.

_Father, please stop, _I pleaded in my mind.

He didn't. He kept on offering Kuzco my services, and the Emperor kept refusing him. Just before my father begged Kuzco to take me as a stable boy, Kuzco stopped him.

"Look, I don't know what your problem is," Kuzco told him with a stern look, "but I don't want your daughter. Just, please, go."

And with that, he dismissed us.

Even though I was the one embarrassed at the feet of our Emperor, my father acted as if he were the one shamed before the most powerful man in the kingdom. He moaned and groaned about how he had such a useless daughter, and that he would be the laughing stock of the village on his return home.

My mother, in her calming and loving voice, spoke to my father. She told him that she knew exactly what to do.

As you know, my mother is the niece of a king from a neighboring kingdom. If anyone knew how to get us out of this situation, my mother would. I was sure she'd find some way for us to return home without being shamed. I had full confidence in her.

I was absolutely wrong. She took me aside, away from the prying ears of my father, and told me the delicate and subtle art of seduction. And I'll tell you, the things she told me was anything but subtle. Once again, I won't go into detail. I have to keep this appropriate for children. Mother, then, devised for me a very long and detailed plan of how I would sneak into the palace, and "convince" the emperor he had no other choice but to marry me. Needless to say, once my mother lay out the ensemble I was to wear (from where she found the things, heaven knows) for once in my life, I said "no" to my parents.

Thanks a lot, Mother.

I locked myself in my room in the inn, although I couldn't lock out my parents' voices as they argued, shouted and pleaded for me to see reason. I wasn't sure what kind of reason they were referring to do, but I had had enough. I just wasn't sure what my next move would be.

Fortunately I didn't have to make that decision. It was made for me.

Unfortunately, my parents decided that they couldn't return to the village with a disgraced daughter that would reflect badly on them and their village. So they gave me a small bag of money, and told me I wasn't to follow them home.

I was disowned.

I don't blame my parents. I knew they were just trying to do what was best for me (and themselves) and the village. They wanted their daughter to have a good life, and did everything to be in the good graces of their Emperor. Nothing would give them more honor than for me to be chosen of the Emperor. I do not excuse their bad behavior, but their intentions were good.

My father has always been the village Elder first, and a father second, so I understand that he didn't want my disgrace to carry back to the village. I don't usually criticize my father, but there should have been a better way of dealing with the situation.

No, I don't blame either of my parents. The way they were raised, this was the only situation they could think of (or the best).

The one I blame, is Kuzco. It was all his fault. All my bad luck came about when I first met him. If only he wasn't such a jerk the first time I met him. If only he had listened to what I had to say when I talked to him in his room. If only he hadn't come back from the dead. If only he would have taken up on any one of my father's offers. Even being his servant would be better than having my family disowned me.

So the next day, I found myself standing in the middle of the city with what my parents had left me, and no home to speak of. It was enough that I could live in an inn and eat comfortably for about a month, but what about after that? What should I do?

The simple solution would to find the nearest eligible bachelor and get myself hitched. With my good breeding and heritage (despite being disowned), and my beauty and youth on my side, I could have married someone rich enough to support me. Perhaps if I took this road, I could have been happy.

Another solution would be to find a job. I knew how to read and write, and could do figures on paper and in my head. Any merchant would be vying for my skills. Normally, women were discouraged from working, but there was always one or two businesses who'd be willing to hire me for a smaller wage than a man's. If I went down this road, I could have been happy.

But I didn't do either. I didn't do any of the simple solutions that any normal person would have done if they were in my situation. I couldn't. That wasn't what I wanted. And for the first time in my life, I was free to do the things I wanted to do. I didn't have my parents to worry about. I didn't have to worry about my reputation reflecting on the village. I was my own woman.

And the thing that I wanted to do most of all was to make the Emperor pay.

I knew it was a ridiculous thing to want, but I couldn't get it out of my head. I muttered insults and directed them to Kuzco, even if he wasn't there. The only thing that was stopping me was a plan. Nothing I could think of sounded like it would work. I was at a dead end just when I came to a crossroad.

And that's when fate stepped in.

"I can help you, my good woman," a tiny, squeaky voice called up to me.

It shook me out of my thoughts, but I couldn't see the owner of such a small voice. Even looking down, I couldn't see any children about.

"Over hear," the voice called again. It sounded like someone trying to disguise their voice. I couldn't even determine if it was male or female.

I looked around again, but didn't see a person in sight looking at me. And then I felt someone tugging on my dress. I looked down, and saw a pile of dirty, brown cloth at my feet. It moved, and I could see two blue eyes looking up at me through a darken crease. Feeling a little silly, I crouched down to the blue eyes.

"You can help me?" I asked the cloth. I wrinkled my nose. There was a nasty odor coming from the cloth.

"Yes, I can," the voice told me in a knowing way. The eyes narrowed. "But we can't talk here. Follow me."

The dirty cloth turned around and drifted through the crowd. I thought about letting whoever it was go and not follow. After all, there are crazies all over the place, and a single woman can never be too careful. But something inside me thought that the person under that cloth might have heard me muttering about the Emperor. Or perhaps they heard about me being disowned by my family from the inn-keeper. Perhaps they knew about my plight, and could help me.

I quieted the cautious part of my mind and followed slowly.

The little brown cloth was fast, but it would find a place to rest where it wouldn't be stepped on and wait for me, and then sprint on ahead. After a while, I noticed that it was taking me into the poorer parts of town. Everything looked dirtier and grungier. I cringed at the smell wafting all around me, but continued on. I might have turned back if it wasn't for the fact that the streets were sparse on people. I thought that the slums would be filled with the destitute and crippled, but I guess I was wrong.

Finally, the dirty cloth led me to an dead ended alley. It jumped onto a box to better look at me, although it still didn't reach my hips.

"Okay, so now can we talk?" I asked it, feeling a little petulant. "Who are you? How do you know I need help? How can you help me? And those questions are just for starters."

"No, we can still be over heard here," the squeaky voice told me. It lifted a hand to its mouth (at least this is what it looked like, but every part of its body was covered in the brown cloth) in a shushing motion. "We have to go to my secret lab."

"Secret lab?" I repeated, feeling skeptical about the person's sanity.

"Yes, now pull the lever!" it shouted dramatically.

"What lever?"

"There."

I looked. On the wall of the alley were two vertical slits. From each slit was a stick that made up a crude lever.

"Which one?" I asked, feeling tired by this imaginary play. By this time, I was sure I was being duped by a five-year-old.

"Uh. . ." the mysterious voice started to say, but didn't seem to know.

"Okay, how about this one?" I asked, and reached for the closest one. And just when I pulled it, my strange companion shouted out, "No, not that one."

In an instant, the ground opened up beneath me, and I fell a short way into three feet of water. I had landed on my back end, and felt a bruise forming. Slowly, I stood up with a moan and coughing water I had inhaled.

Then I felt something nibbling on my legs and clothing. I saw a few fish swimming through the water. In a panic, I tried to climb out of the hole, but there was nothing to grab onto. A rope was thrown to me, and I used it to pull myself up. As I dragged myself out, I heard my companion mutter to itself, "Why do I even have that lever?"

I glared at it.

"I need an explanation, and I need it now. If I don't get it, I'm turning around and leaving," I threatened, although I didn't think it was that good of a threat.

"Okay, be patient," the squeaky voice quieted me down. "Pull the other lever, and we'll go into my lab."

I did as I was told, and a hole in the wall of the alley opened up. It was small, so I had to crawl through. The room I came into was more like a hovel than a lab, but I didn't say anything. My companion walked to the opposite wall, and pulled another lever to close the portal to the outside. Darkness enshrouded us.

A flame flickered as my companion lit a few candles. The light helped me see how bare the "lab" was. There were a few crates, as well as a small table with one broken leg. There were a few shelves with packages and mysterious objects that I didn't care to investigate. The strangest thing was a shelf with a row of vials with the same pinkish liquid in all of them.

"Now can you speak?" I asked, my temper on a short fuse by this time.

"Yes," the squeaky voice told me with a nod. "I came to you because I, too, am a victim of the Emperor's cruelty."

I was surprised. So this wasn't a hoax for my attention. "How did you know about me?" I asked.

"I've been watching you since you went to see the Emperor. I've heard how he rejected you. I also know that he mistreated you before his so-called death. He has, indeed, caused you harm. And he must pay," the voice told me in a low tone.

"What did he do to you?" I asked it.

"I was once a beautiful woman. I served him faithfully for years. And when I became too inconvenient for him, he did despicable things to me and threw me away," the squeaky voice told me.

_So, it's a woman. Good to know,_ I thought. I also envisioned a woman serving Kuzco and the despicable things to her. My hatred for him grew, and I felt relieved that my parents didn't persuade him to marry me. He did me a favor.

"I'm very sorry," I told my companion sincerely. "It must have been hard."

"Yes, very. But I'm not the only one he's done wrong to. Many other have seen his wrath, but none are willing to stand up to him," the woman told me.

I wondered what kind of things Kuzco could do to make a person so short and have a squeaky voice. "Well, someone has to," I told the woman. "But I don't see what two people can do."

"Ah, but I do. I have a plan," the woman told me, her eyes narrowing. "It's very simple, but there are some things I can't do. I need your help."

"Yes, I'll help," I told the woman. However, I had feelings of dread pierce my heart. "This plan. . .it's not going to hurt him, is it?" I may have disliked the guy, but I'm not cruel. I've also heard of the Emperor's change of heart, and felt he should have a second chance. But he should still have to pay for what he had done. It should be a just punishment.

"No, of course not," the woman reassured me. "All I want to do is to show his friends who he really is and to make him feel the fear and pain we went through. Is that what you want?"

I thought about it. Making the Emperor reveal his true inner self to his friends would be good. It would make him feel the humiliation I've felt. The idea sounded harmless and just, giving him a taste of his own medicine. And if he felt all of what I felt, then he'd think twice about being vile to women in the future.

"Okay, I'm in. What's the plan?" I asked the woman.

"Oh, I already have most of the plan in action," the woman said mysteriously. "Just a few things here and there to weaken him a bit. Things are almost set up for the _coup de grace_. The only thing I need help is to make him feel fear."

"How are we going to do that?"

"I know the one thing he is the most afraid of," the woman said, and walked over to the table. There was a piece of paper on it. She held it up to me to show a simple drawing of a creature. The woman told me what I could see. "Llamas."


	5. Chapter 5

Don't Touch My Llama

Chapter 5: The Day My Life Was Ruined By That Horrible Girl.

By: Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

_*Gasp* Gee, I wonder who that "mysterious woman" is? I totally can't think of who it could be._

_ Does everyone understand that I'm speaking sarcastically? Yes? Good._

_ I'd love to ruin Quillana's foreboding that she's been setting up for later, but the author says that I can't. I've been out voted._

_ But it's not like everyone hasn't guessed._

_ *Cough* Esma *Cough*_

_ Now you see what I had to go through. Sure, I was able to out smart one crazy woman, but two. That's twice the crazy. You can't blame me for my behavior. I was completely set up on this one, folks. And you have to understand that it was blatant entrapment. Anyone in my position would have fallen into the same web as I did._

_ Let me take you back to the day after Pacha arrived with his family. We had a nice, early breakfast together, and I got to show off my theme-song guy to them. And then we had him sing "Happy Birthday" to Tipo. The kid got a real kick over that. Once that was over, Pacha told me that he had some business in town to prepare for the annual merchant's march, and that the whole family will meet me at El Burro's Cheezy Burrito for dinner around five._

_ I was very happy about that, since it gave me plenty of time to myself before I had to be packed into a small restaurant with a bunch of kids, germ infected play pens and greasy fast food._

_ So, I said a fond farewell to the family, and went down to inspect the army; my only duty for today._

_ "Hey, guys. How's it going?"_

_ Most of the troops smiled, waved at me or gave me a wayward salute. Their Captain gave them all a glare, and they straightened up._

_ "Okay, what do you have for me today?" I asked the Captain while rubbing my hands together. "Do I get to see drills?"_

_ The captain gave me a confused look. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but we seem to have made no progress since your last inspection."_

_ I put my hands on my hips. "And why is that?" _

_ "On account of some of the men are still animals," he told me dryly._

_ I looked back down the line. The cow looked down at his hooves._

_ "I know, but we're still looking for a cure. Esma didn't exactly keep a recipe book," I told them with an apologetic look. "What about the octopus guy? He's useful, right?"_

_ "He is and he isn't," the Captain told me. "He's a deadly aim with all his arms." With a flick of his hand, he indicated the soldier to show his stuff._

_ The octopus soldier took a step forward. (Okay, not a step. It's like he slushed forward.) He picked up a javelin in each of his arms, and threw them at a target. They all hit the bulls-eye in the middle._

_ "YAY!" I cheered and clapped enthusiastically. "That is so awesome. Now what's wrong with that?"_

_ "Unfortunately, if he stays out of water for over an hour, he'll die," the Captain told me bluntly_

_ "Oh," I said, my emotions drooping from that bad new. "Hey, I'm sorry man," I called to my soldier._

_ "It's okay," the octopus called back as he slithered into a barrel of water they kept for him._

_ The Captain grabbed the back of my neck and led me away from the troops, his voice down in a secretive tone. "I don't mean to be critical, Your Highness, but it would have been really nice if we had Esma in custody. I don't feel that you're safe while she's still out there."_

_ "Dude, are you serious? She's a cat," I told him. "If she were right here, I could drop kick her."_

_ "All the same, Sire, I'd like to have a few body guards with you at all time," the Captain told me with a grimace. "Some _ human_ guards."_

_ "No. Nooooo no. Having a bunch of guys in armor follow me around is waaaay too uncool," I told him with a nod of my head._

_ "How about one?"_

_ "How about none?" I replied flippantly._

_ The Captain grunted. "I'm in charge of your safety. If I have to, I'LL follow you around myself."_

_ I grimaced. "Okay, fine. I'll have one body guard. But I get to choose."_

_ "As long as its anyone but the cow."_

_ The cow soldier looked embarrassed._

_ "Fine by me," I said with a grin._

_ The Captain grinned back, feeling as if he won. (Well, he actually did, but I wasn't going to act as if he had.) "Well, Sire, then as long as you are here, perhaps you'd like to take a look at the Calvary." He gestured a rough hand at a group of men mounted on llamas. They were a tough looking group, trying to radiate danger as their mounts chewed their cud. (There had been many complaints that the Calvary would look better on horses, and I agree, but unfortunately, horses aren't exactly the best for mountain passes.)_

_ I backed away, feeling a little nervous. The sight of those long faces sometimes does that to me. "Ahh, haa," I laughed in a high tone as I kept my eyes on the beasts. "No, everything looks great. You're doing good guys. Keep it up." I hurried away, keeping a nice distance away from the shaggy animals._

_ A few hours later, I was strolling through my palace with my new body guard at my side. I had just briefed him in my day's schedule._

_ "Oh, this is going to be so much fun. I haven't been to El Burro's in ages," Kronk told me, a bounce in his step. "Tipo will love it. They give out free brownies for birthday boys. I wish it was my birthday because I love their brownies."_

_ By this time, I was regretting my decision. The only thing that kept up my spirits was the Captain's face when I picked Kronk (I never agreed to pick one of the palace guards so I guess he didn't win after all). Most of the time, I like hanging around with Kronk, oh yes, I do. He makes a mean souffle, and is a great guy to invite to a poker game (who'd of thought that Kronk would have a poker face. He's an open book for the most part). But then there are times he fixates on some childish ideas and won't let go. And then all he does is talk and talk. Sometimes he talks to himself. That's just Kronk._

_ "Chill out, buddy. We'll get there soon enough. I just have a few things to do first," I told him. Just at that time, my finance guru came in with the latest tablets. As I took them, the finance guy started talking to me in rapid speech. He seemed worried._

_ "What was that?" I asked, not paying attention the first time._

_ "Sire, I don't mean to impose, but I think you should turn away today's donation requests," he mumbled at me, looking down at his shoes._

_ "And let my people go without what they need," I chortled. "No, I will not let them down."_

_ "Ah, charity. For the good of the people," Kronk said with a smile on his big pointy face once he realized what was going on. "Give til it hurts so good."_

_ "Right. . ." _Whatever that means._ I quickly signed all the tablets and handed them back to a frowning finance guy. I didn't pay it no mind._

_ "Alright, Kronky. Time to go," I said with a pat on his back._

_ "YAY!" Kronk cried out, and skipped along in front of me._

_ I was in a good mood, so we decided to walk to El Burro's. I thought it would be kind of nice to walk around, say hi to my people, see how my donations are making them happy. However, I was completely surprised to see all the streets empty. Not a soul in sight._

_ "Cree-py," I told Kronk, who nodded and gulped. I was getting spooked and had almost decided to turn around, when El-Burro's came into view. I sighed with relief, feeling it would be so nice to see another human being. Even if it was a herd of snot-nosed kids._

_ "Hello!"_

_ A face popped up in front of me, making me jump back and scream like a little girl. . . I mean, I was startled in a manly way._

_ "Oh, sorry," a feminine voice said, and the face back away._

_ Now that she wasn't right in my face, I could see that the owner of the voice was a young woman with big, round eyes. I was startled since I thought those dark eyes glared at me for a while, but then became amiable._

_ "No, it's alright," I told her, putting on a princely smile._

_ The girl played with her hair in a way that made her look younger than the sixteen years I initially thought she'd be. Her hair was long, thick and straight, running down her back in a black cascade. I would have thought she was beautiful, but she looked frazzled with hair uncombed. There was a smudge of dirt on her cheek and her hands were dirty. Surprisingly, she wore a nicer dress than I thought a peasant could afford, but it was just as dirty as she was, so I gave it no thought._

_ I looked down at her carefully, deja vu running through my brain._

_ "Do I. . .know you?" I asked suspiciously._

_ She bit her lip in a childish way. "Uh. . .well. . .you're Emperor Kuzco, right?" she said, almost as if she were remembering her lines in a script. Her words sounded wooden._

_ "Yeah. . ." I said cautiously, wondering if she were one of those crazy fangirls who was going to glomp me._

_ "Oh, I was just on my way to the palace with a message for you," she said._

_ I rolled my eyes. "If you're looking for a handout, you must fill out a form with my adviser," I said with my hands up. I was so not going to work on my afternoon off._

_ "No. . .no, that's not what I want. I'm here with an invitation for you," the girl said._

_ "An invitation?" I raised an eyebrow._

_ "Yes. Your people, who love you very much, wanted to do something for you in return," she said, her back straightening. She sounded much more confident at this point._

_ Now she had my attention._

_ "I was sent to tell you that there will be a parade being held in your honor," she said, a big smile appearing on her face._

_ "A parade?" both Kronk and I said together. Kronk clapped his hands._

_ "Yes, a big parade. It'll have floats, and balloons, and acrobats and. . .clowns. . .and all sorts of things," she told me, sounding more and more excited. "And fireworks at the end."_

_ Part of me was telling me to run away from this girl. Run as far and as fast as I could go. That part of me knew exactly who she was, had remembered a time when the face was kindred to hatred and violence._

_ The other part of me was thinking about the most awesome thing in the world. My very own parade. It was totally awesome. I was blind to everything else._

_ "Wow, that sounds great," I said, grabbing the girl by her shoulders and telling it to her face. "I can't wait. This is amazing. Is it tomorrow? Or maybe next week? Oh I can't wait."_

_ "Uh. . .well, you won't have to. . .because its happening right now," she told me with a big open mouthed smile._

_ Suddenly, my happy meter went waaaaaaay down. _

_ "Wha- you mean right now, right now?" I asked, sounding like a total idiot._

_ "Well, yes. It was suppose to be a surprise," the young woman said, looking completely innocent (I should have been more suspicious)._

_ My eyes drifted over to El Burro's, thinking about Pacha's family and Tipo's friends expecting me._

_ "I don't suppose this parade could wait until tomorrow?" I asked with a slight cringe._

_ The young woman's face fell. "But we've already hired the performers. Your people used their own money to prepare all of this for _YOU_," she told me, her eyes expectant._

If you put it that way_, I thought, _then I have to go to the parade. It's my duty.

_ "I suppose I could go for a while," I said thinking it over. "I can make a quick appearance, and still make it to Tipo's party."_

_ I looked at Kronk for confirmation._

_ "I can't think of anything that could go wrong with this plan," Kronk told me with a shrug._

_ I shrugged back. "Well, alrighty then. Lead the way," I told the young woman._

_ She turned around and walked smoothly down the road away from El Burro's, her back straight and tall. Everything about her seemed wrong, but like the innocent that I am, I went along._

_ As you can see, I was completely duped into going along with this plot, the sneaky seductress. She offered me a big tasty apple, and you'd have to be super human not to take a bite of it. But guess what? That was a poison apple. Because she's a witch._

_ Oh, where was I?_

_ "The parade," said Kronk._

_ Yes, the parade. Thanks Kronk._

_ All feelings of guilt for skipping out on Tipo's party when I saw The Parade. From that point on, it needed to be capitalized because it was amazing._

_ The floats were decorated with all colors of flower, the scent was exotic and intoxicating. It was refreshing. There were thoroughbred horses pulling each one, their coats shining in the brilliant sun and their feet dancing in anticipation._

_ The girl leading the way stopped and bowed to me, gesturing in a very graceful way to a float that had golden flowers all over it. The float had a wide flowing staircase and at the top was a throne almost an exact copy of my own._

_ "If Your Highness would take his place, we may begin the parade," the girl said, her voice darker and deeper than before._

_ I couldn't contain myself. I took the staircase two steps at a time like it was a race, and jumped into that golden seat. After I situated my rump onto the cushion, I looked up and gasped. Before me, there was a multitude of people lined up on both sides of the street, cheering and calling my name. They had flags and bouquets of flowers. Petals and confetti were being thrown all over as if it was raining color from the sky. In the streets, there was a cacophony of performers and animals. There were jugglers throwing all sorts of items around. Dogs, cats, jaguars, horses and all manner of animals were doing tricks to the orders of their trainers. Acrobats and contortionists were leaping about. Dancers pranced around, their clothing loose and covered with feathers so it looked like they were flying._

_ I know, I'm so good at description._

_ I was in awe, because it was so awesome. And it was all for me. Some part of me had desired this for a long time. Since I had become a llama, I had spent a lot of time trying to persuade everyone that I had changed. I went out of my way to be nice to everyone, and made sure it wasn't all about me._

_ I couldn't help but revel that this Parade was all about ME._ _It made me feel good. Marvelous. Stupendous. I was on top of the world. I was Emperor Kuzco. And everyone was . . ._

_ "Uh, Kuzco. . ."_

_ "Huh?" I asked, hearing my voice not being shouted in joy but plainly being shouted._

_ Kronk stood at the foot of the float, looking a little confused. "What do you want me to do?"_

_ "Oh, yeah. I guess you should come stand on the float," I told him._

_ "Really?" he asked, his face full of incredulity._

_ "Yeah, that's what my body guard is for," I told him. "Get on up here and guard my body."_

_ "Right!" he saluted and ran up to me._

_ Then the float started. It was a magical time. Everything went by so quickly. The longer The Parade went, the more there was to see. Every time I looked around, something new caught my attention. The people on the streets seemed to demand my attention, wanting me to wave back at them all the time. I barely noticed when my arms grew tired, I was in an ecstatic state of self-importance. I vaguely remember Kronk tapping my shoulder, and whispering something, but I didn't notice._

_ This was my time. I had spent a many unselfish months making up for all that I did in my past, and now I was making up for it. Whatever warning Kronk whispered to me, it fell on deaf ears._

_ In all the excitement, I didn't notice when the sun went down and all went dark until fire shot out from the earth and burst into the sky. Lights danced among the stars, drowning them out with flashes and bangs. It was a symphony of sound and brilliance all around me. For me._

_ I leaped out of my seat, waving my hands in the air like a conductor. The fireworks went off all around me, as if to my command. The crowd of my people oooed and ahhhed at the sight._

_ I looked down for an instant to see the awe on hundreds of faces, feeling the power of the moment rush through me. And then in an instant, it all vanished as I saw the face of Pacha looking up at me with a look of disappointment. And by his knees, little Tipo's freakishly large eyes filled with tears._

_ There were no words to describe how I felt at that moment knowing that I had let down my only friends._

_ . . . _

_ . . ._

_ . . ._

_ I told you there are not words to describe it. It felt awful, okay._

_ I hated myself._

_(Author's Notes: Sorry, everyone, for not updating any time recently. You know how life it, things get hectic and you can't get anything done. But I'd like to thank those who have sent me reviews, they really make my day whenever I get one. So keep them up. I'm going to try and get another chapter done this month, so if I don't, you can heckle me. ;)  
><em>


	6. Chapter 6: Sweet Revenge

(Author's note: Sorry everyone for not updating sooner. Thank a really nasty cold that I finally wrote this chapter. It only took me two days, but its much longer than the others.)

Don't Touch My Llama

Chapter 6: Sweet Revenge

By: Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

Hi, it's me again.

I know all of you know Kuzco and are just waiting for him to make things right. You want him to come out on top of things and be the wonderful hero.

Honey, I hate to break it to you, but that's not going to happen.

He's just like you when you decide to go on a diet to lose ten pounds, and then your mom makes home-made ice-cream or chocolate chip cookies, and then you're off the wagon again. Selfishness never goes away.

It hangs around like a stalker. You think you've lost it, but its just hiding in the neighbor's yard with binoculars.

Kuzco's selfishness took everything away from me. My family, my home and my reputation. Because of Kuzco, I was condemned to a life on the streets, alone. Which is why I felt very lucky to find the mysterious figure who was willing to help me with my revenge.

Very little personal information passed between us. She (I learned that the figure was female) only told me to call her by the name of Scratch. It wasn't much, but it was nice to have a name to go with the face. . .er. . .burlap sack.

After revealing Kuzco's weakness (llamas, who knew), she laid down only a fragment of her plan. I was given only an ambiguous layout and the part I would play. Afterward, with the money my parents left me, I stayed at a small inn with the instructions to meet Scratch at another part of the city.

I didn't get much sleep that night. I worried about if I was making the right decision. After all, revenge wasn't normal for me. But after thinking about it, it was the presence of Scratch that made me the most uneasy. By morning, I was frazzled and burned out. But I still had the resolve to see Scratch again. I had decided to give her a few days of my time before I would resolve to help her.

When I met up with Scratch, she was still hidden inside her dirty cloth even though the sun was high in the sky and it was quite hot. For the whole day, I followed her from one shop to another. After listening to a few instructions, I would go into the shop and order whatever Scratch wanted. I was also given money before going into each shop to pay.

"Where did you get this money?" I asked Scratch suspiciously. Scratch lived in a poor, dirty part of the city, and smelled like old milk. There was no way Scratch could afford all of this.

"Do not worry about that," Scratch told me, her squeaky voice ominous despite how cute it was. "I have a . . .benefactor who is funding this project," she said when she saw I needed answers.

That was enough for me. The knowledge that I wasn't alone with a squeaky midget was enough to calm most of my fears.

From the work of that day, I saw that the plan was going quickly. A large float was in the works, and nearly done, and many costumes were also ready. Some items were on back order, like an shipment of fireworks, and wouldn't be ready for another week.

The next day was more of the same, mainly checking to see if everything was just right. Scratch, however, didn't seem very happy. She kept mumbling about how the time still wasn't right. When I questioned her, she told me that her spy in the palace hadn't given her any good news recently. Apparently she was waiting for something to happen.

On the fourth day of helping Scratch out, she seemed quite content. She was so happy, in fact, that I swear I heard her purring. Before we did our rounds, she filled me in on the situation.

Our plan for revenge would only work, she had told me, if his friends were watching. No point in humiliating him in a crowd of sycophants. No, Kuzco cared about what his friends thought of him, and it was them that needed to see the real Kuzco. We needed him to lose what we lost, and feel how we felt.

At these words, I felt all warm inside. Yes, that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted everyone to see Kuzco's real colors.

But when Scratch told me about how Pacha (Kuzco's best friend) was bringing his family and that we'd be setting the plan in motion during Pacha's four year-old's birthday party, that made my fuzzy feelings disappear.

"You want to ruin a little boy's birthday party?" I asked Scratch, using a voice that said I wasn't too sure of the plan.

"No, it won't ruin any little boy's birthday," Scratch assured me quickly. "You see, it's just Pacha's faith in Kuzco we're trying to destroy. Being a big family man, Pacha will invite Kuzco to his child's party to be friendly."

"But Kuzco might not even show up. After all, he is Kuzco," I told Scratch, actually hoping that this would be the case.

Scratch waggled a finger at me (at least that's what I think she did. I couldn't tell since she always kept her entire body under her dirty cloth). "Ah, but I know for a fact that Tipo has been bragging to his friends that Kuzco will come. It's almost assured."

_Wow, _ I thought. _Scratch is very well informed. How many spies does she have?_

I tried to argue some more, asking Scratch if there was another time we could enact the plan. After all, Pacha and his family would be in the capital for many days. But Scratch wouldn't change her plans since it would bring in unknown elements into the equation. She then told me I could back out, after all, she could find someone else with a grievance against the emperor to help her out.

Knowing she had me there, I consented to her plan in every aspect. That day we were very busy. We only had ten days until the deadline, and there was much to do. Much of it was hiring people with spectacular talent to follow the float, and buy the best horses to pull it. Horses weren't very common in the capital, so they were very expensive and hard to find.

The one thing that made me feel better about this plan was that we were giving so much money to those who needed it. I often would persuade Scratch to go to a different store, just because I saw that the owner had more children or lived in a poorer part of the city. It almost reminded me of my own village where I felt more worthwhile when I was helping someone in need.

Time went by quickly. Every night, I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of my revenge. I tried to imagine Kuzco's face at the exact moment that he would hit bottom. Would he weep softly? Or scream like a baby? So many possibilities filled me with glee.

Yet, something inside of me kept niggling me that something was wrong. And it always went to Scratch. I didn't like the idea of using the boy in our plot, and I felt that the mysterious figure couldn't be trusted. And the day before the plan went into motion, I decided to unmask Scratch. The fact that she remained in shadow all this time was the pinpoint of my suspicion. It was time to reveal everything.

I met Scratch on the outskirts of the city where the gates opened up to visitors. We were going to wait to see if Pacha and his family were coming today. If that were the case, we'd reach the point of no return.

And as we sat in the shade of a few trees, I told Scratch, "I'm still uneasy about the plan."

Scratch sounded as if she growled. "What is it now?"

"Well, I still don't like the idea of using the boy," I told Scratch. I could almost hear her roll her eyes at me. "But that's not the only thing. You only tell me the part of the plan that I'm involved in. I feel as if you're deliberately keeping things from me."

"I'm doing it for the sake of the plan," Scratch told me. I could see her angry blue eyes glaring up at me. "It is for your safety."

I wasn't buying this. And by the sound of Scratch's tone, she was getting very irritated with me. I felt that if I continued this argument, she'd be on her guard. So before another word was said, I reached out, and grabbed the grubby garment Scratch was under. With a strong tug, I had ripped it from her grasp and uncovered her.

I heard a screech, as if she were in pain.

"Don't look at me," Scratch cried out.

I wasn't sure what I expected to see. Maybe some grotesque midget with boils or some puss-filled sores. Something hideous. I would never have guessed what I really saw.

Scratch turned out to be a fluffy gray kitty-cat.

Most of you in my position would have done a number of things. Maybe you would have pointed and laughed. Or maybe talked to Scratch in baby language because you absolutely love cats. Or maybe you would have screamed and ran away; after all, a cat that talks is pretty freaky. But none of you would have done what I did at that moment.

I fell to my knees and placed my hands and forehead to the ground.

If you recall in one of my earlier chapters, I talked about the Golden Statue of my village's animal patron, Chasca. Long ago, before my village existed, a group of rich retirees had a desire to live in the country, far from the city, yet close enough for grandchildren to visit. They settled in a valley that would become my village. The richest and eldest of them all, an elderly widow, persuaded the others that they needed an animal patron to watch over their small community. It wasn't hard to choose Chasca the cat, since each household owned at least three of the same animal. As time went on, the village had a Golden Statue with blue sapphire eyes made, and it has been honored in my village since then.

It is no wonder that when I saw a talking cat that was the very likeness of Chasca in my presence that I took Scratch as divine. And when she cried out to not look at her, I took that as a divine command.

"Forgive this inferior one for looking upon thee," I said to Scratch/Chasca in a frightened voice. "This one did not know it was thee in disguise, oh Sacred Cat."

"Sacred Cat?" I thought I heard Scratch/Chasca murmur. Then a chuckle. "It is alright. You may sit up."

Smiling, I did so. It was a gift to be able to gaze at the divine Chasca. I sat in a kneeling position in the same way I did for the emperor. "Please, also forgive this lowly one for questioning thou most cunning plan. If this one had known it was thee, this one would have obeyed. This repentant one await punishment."

"Er. . . there will be no punishment, Quillana," Scratch/Chasca told me boldly. "I hid myself because it was a test of your faith. But now that I have been revealed, it is now your duty to obey all my words without question."

"Yes, Sacred Cat," I said as I bowed lowly before Scratch/Chasca.

Scratch/Chasca grabbed her dirty cloth and draped it over her body so she was once again hidden. After that, we continued to watch the road without an exchange of words.

I realized the cleverness of the feline deity in her deception. The whole time it was a test, to see if I was worthy of serving underneath her paw. She had concocted a story that I would believe and relate to to gain my attention. I realized that I had almost failed if it wasn't for my curiosity.

But now I realized that Chasca was blessing me in two ways. The first was that she established that what I was doing was the right thing. Even a deity has taken notice of Kuzco's wretched behavior and has commanded that he be punished. And every part of the plan was divine work.

The second blessing was that I now had a way to return home. With Chasca's blessing for helping her, I would be accepted back into my village definitely. I wouldn't be an outcast any more.

We had been waiting an hour more when a family of five (two adult, two children and an infant) came walking down the road with a cart of provisions and a string of seven llamas and four alpacas. Scratch/Chasca told me that this was the family we had been waiting for.

Before they reached the gates, we were out of sight, back to our plans.

For the rest of the day and the next, I bustled all over, doing everything Scratch/Chasca asked of me without question. I supervised the final touches of the plan with wonder, finally knowing the whole extent of the plan. My heart soared since Scratch/Chasca had told me the last part of her plot against Kuzco.

For the past couple of months, she had been slowly draining Kuzco's coffers of the empire's funds. She assured me that she wasn't stealing, only presenting opportunities for Kuzco to overindulge in his selfishness. She told me that Kuzco didn't even attempt to budget his finances or even knew how much money he owned. It was another nail in his coffin. And it also answered the question as to where Scratch/Chasca was getting her funds. It was poetic justice that the tax money Kuzco stole from the people was going right back to them.

Finally the time came for me to fill the most important role. It was my job to lure Kuzco into the trap. As I walked to El Burro's Cheezy Burritos (I have never heard of the establishment, but apparently it was quite popular with today's youth), I saw my reflection in a fountain. I still wore my luxurious clothing I had brought from home, and with my smooth face and manicured hands, I wouldn't be fooling anyone. I had to look like any other person on the street. I stopped to rub a little grit on my face and hands. I also wiped some onto my dress with a sorrowful sigh. I hated to spoil such nice clothing.

When I spotted Kuzco's face, I felt weak. I also saw that he had brought a bodyguard. The man was tall and very solidly built. I almost turned back thinking that the bodyguard would spoil everything. But I remembered I had a deity watching over me, so I went on.

"Hello!" I called out, louder than I intended. I was very nervous.

I saw Kuzco leap very high in the air as he screamed like a girl. I mentally smiled to myself. Oh, hearing that scream felt so good.

"Oh, sorry," I apologized and backed away to give him a little space.

"No, it's alright," Kuzco said, his smarmy smile back on his face.

I felt so nervous just being in his presence that I forgot what I was suppose to say next. I twirled my hair around my fingers as I wracked my mind for something to say.

"Do I. . .know you?" Kuzco asked.

_Oh, fish heads, _I thought as I panicked. _He suspects!_

"Uh. . . well. . . you're Emperor Kuzco, right?" I stuttered through my sentence woodenly.

"Yeah." Kuzco looked as if I was a dirty napkin that was left on his throne. I wanted to punch him right there.

"Oh, I was just on my way to the palace with a message for you," I said quickly.

"If you're looking for a handout, you must fill out a form with my adviser," Kuzco said before I could say anything else.

I couldn't believe what he just said. He thought I was a beggar. Of all the low-down things to say. I could feel my temper rising, and I almost went crazy again, but I quelled it. Instead I smiled my best smile and said, "No. . .no, that's not what I want. I'm here with an invitation for you."

"An invitation?"

"Yes. Your people, who love you very much, wanted to do something for you in return," I said. I laid it on pretty thick, didn't I? "I was sent to tell you that there will be a parade being held in your honor."

"A parade?!" Kuzco exclaimed at the same time as his bodyguard.

I went on excitedly, as if I were talking to a six-year-old. "Yes, a big parade. It'll have floats, and balloons, and acrobats and. . .clowns. . .and all sorts of things," I said, trailing off at the end. Then I remembered to coup de grâce. gAnd fireworks at the end. h

I could see that Kuzco was hooked. His eyes were sparkling with happiness and greed. I smirked, thinking _You're gonna get it_ to myself. His bodyguard was just as excited. He was jumping up and down while clapping his hands. I realized that while his bodyguard looked formidable, he also looked like an overgrown kid. I had nothing to fear.

Before I could react, Kuzco had grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close. "Wow, that sounds great. I can't wait. This is amazing," he told my face. "Is it tomorrow? Or maybe next week? Oh, I can't wait."

"Uh. . .well, you won't have to. . .because its happening right now," I said, smiling like a big idiot, hoping that Kuzco would let me go.

I could see the disappointment in his face, and he released me.

"Wha- you mean right now, right now?" Kuzco asked.

"Well, yes. It was suppose to be a surprise," I told him, and batted my eyes at him in an innocent way.

I watched the Emperor closely. This was the critical point. If Kuzco was truthful, and had changed, he would march into El Burro's and the plan would be ruined. Or he would prove that he's a selfish git and come to the parade.

"I don't suppose this parade could wait until tomorrow?" he asked me.

I acted appalled. "But we've already hired the performers. Your people used their own money to prepare all this for YOU," I told him.

You know the expression: Everyone loves a parade.

"I suppose I could go for a while," Kuzco mulled. "I can make a quick appearance, and still make it to Tipo's party."

The bodyguard cinched it. "I can't think of anything that could go wrong with this plan," the bodyguard said with a shrug.

Kuzco shrugged as well, and then told me, "Well, alrighty then. Lead the way."

I guided the two men through the streets, that were absolutely empty. Scratch/Chasca and I had made sure that everyone knew of the parade so there would be a large crowd. The procession was ready to start, and I ushered Kuzco to his seat on the biggest and grandest float. His bodyguard took a place next to Kuzco, and I signaled for everyone to begin.

I would have liked to watch the parade. It would have been a once in a life-time opportunity to see so many grand things in one place. And having lived in a small village full of rich, old people, I had never seen anything half so beautiful in my life.

But there was one more job that needed to be done. After making sure Kuzco was comfortable, I raced through the crowd as best I could. I guess "raced" isn't exactly the word for it. It was more like I oozed through the crowd, battling for every foot I gained. After a good long moment, I made it to the restaurant El Burro's Cheezy Burritos. Already people were leaving the establishment because of the crowd, but nobody knew what it was about.

I burst into it and shouted for everyone to come see the Emperor's parade. I made a lot of noise, and sounded very excited about the whole thing, and the restaurant emptied like water in a sieve. The last to leave was the family I had seen traveling on the road.

It pained me to see the shock on the father's face as I made the announcement, as well as the look on the little boy's face. But I ignored them, and moved out into the street. From there, I found Scratch/Chasca in place for the finale.

I finally was able to watch the parade, but there was little I could enjoy. The little boy's face hit my heart harder than I thought it would. I couldn't even enjoy the fact that Kuzco's ego was done for.

"Get ready. He's spotted them," Scratch/Chasca whispered to me, which I barely heard over the crowd.

At the position we were standing, we could see Kuzco and his bodyguard on the float, but not Pacha and his family. But we could see the moment when Kuzco's face changed from exhilarating ecstasy to being caught doing something bad. His face fell, and he just starred into the crowd only a few yards away from me.

I could tell which ones was Pacha and his family. His wife had a unique hairstyle, and it wasn't hard to see. When Kuzco spotted them, Pacha put his arms around his wife and son, and directed the whole family away from the sight.

"Pacha!" Kuzco shouted from the float. He descended the stairs rapidly, followed by his bodyguard.

"Drat it. Why is Kronk involved?" Scratch/Chasca hissed.

I guessed Kronk was the name of the bodyguard. After all, Chasca is all knowing.

Kuzco, once off the float, ran to Pacha and his family, calling for his friend.

Meanwhile, the float continued down the street, the people following the spectacular performance, even without the Emperor. The streets were slowly emptying as the parade moved to a different part of town. As far as I knew, it would continue until the performers became tired and went home.

"Pacha, wait a minute. This isn't what it looks like," Kuzco told his friend.

"Really? Because it looks like you lied to my son," Pacha accused, still moving his family away.

"No, that wasn't it. . . it was. . ."

Pacha stopped and glared at the Emperor. "I know you didn't want to come, but you could have just shown up for a couple of minutes. But never would I have thought that you would lie to my face so you could throw this extravaganza for yourself. Come on, Tipo. Let's go finish your birthday party."

"Hey, I didn't miss it. I can still be there for Tipo," Kuzco persuaded, looking down trodden. "I can make it up. I'll buy Tipo the biggest birthday cake El Burro has. We'll make this the best birthday ever."

"Just as I thought. Try to smooth things out with money. We'll see about that," Scratch/Chasca chuckled as she lifted a paw up from under her robes. This was a signal for a pair of men to bring forward Emperor Kuzco's financial adviser. They had been instructed to "help" the adviser find Kuzco, and bring him forward at the right time.

"Emperor Kuzco! Emperor Kuzco!" the adviser shouted as he spotted his monarch. "I've been looking all over. We have an emergency at the palace."

Kuzco turned to the man along with Pacha's family.

"What is it?" Kuzco asked, looking alarmed. Perhaps he never had to deal with an emergency before.

"The bills came today, but I could not pay them," the adviser vocalized, his brow dripping sweat.

"That's the emergency. Can we deal with that tomorrow? I'm in the middle of something important," Kuzco tried to brush him off.

"You don't understand, Sire. The empire is broke," the man said nervously. He pulled out a scroll, and it unrolled five or six feet long. "You've spent every last coin. There's nothing left."

"What?!" Kuzco shouted, now looking nervous himself. "But. . .it's the empire. It can't go broke."

Pacha snorted. "I guess you didn't know how much a parade cost. I guess you haven't changed as I thought you would, Kuzco." The large man gathered his family once more, and they slowly walked away from Kuzco.

Kuzco looked as if he were going to follow, but his adviser grabbed a hold of his robe.

"Sire, please. Your debtors are at the palace doors ready to ransack the palace. You need to speak them this minute," the adviser insisted. "It is your duty."

Kuzco looked back at his friends; his face was the epitome of pain.

I have to admit, my heart actually went out to the Emperor. But I sympathized more for Pacha and his family. I told myself it was better they were disappointed now then later on. Kuzco could have hurt them far more.

Kuzco didn't follow Pacha. Instead he turned to his adviser and told him, "Go back to the palace, and pay the debtors in gold."

"What gold? There isn't any," the adviser said in a voice that sounded as if he were crying.

"Whatever gold you can find," Kuzco said. I could help noticing that he sounded very grown-up then. "Find anything in the palace that's made of gold. Even pick it off the palace wall. But pay them in full."

The adviser looked relieved, bowed and said with fervor, "Yes, Sire."

"I will return shortly to talk to all of them," Kuzco said when the adviser looked expectant. "I want to be alone for a while."

To be honest, this wasn't part of the plan. Scratch/Chasca had assumed that Kuzco would either run after Pacha, which would just lead to more fighting and yelling. Or Kuzco would return to the palace and spend a horrible time arguing with bill collectors. Never would I have guessed that he would have dealt with the situation in a mature and thought out way.

It slightly redeemed Kuzco's image in my eyes.

But I was reminded of the horrible things that he had done. He was not punished for them, and should be.

By now, Kuzco was completely alone, save for Kronk. The streets were completely devoid of people, and there weren't even torches lit. Everything was in complete shadows save for what light the moon and stars gave.

"Now, we go in for the kill," Scratch/Chasca whispered in pleasure.

"Huh?" I asked, confused. As far as I knew, there was no more of the plan.

"To gloat," Scratch/Chasca explained. "How is Kuzco to know why all this is happening? How can he know that this is a punishment unless we reveal who we are and teach him?"

I thought that the cat deity had a good point, and walked slowly over to Kuzco.

"This has got to be the worst day of my life," Kuzco moaned into his hands. "Even worse than being turned into a llama."

_Maybe he's gone insane,_ I thought to myself.

Kronk kept to Kuzco's side as if he were there for moral support. By the look on the bodyguard's face, I thought Kronk would comfort Kuzco. But he didn't even move.

"Well, look who's hit rock bottom. Finally," I said from my spot in the dark. I'm really bad at gloating, so it probably sounded like I was reading from a scroll.

Both Kronk and Kuzco looked up at me, and I walked until I was standing before them.

Kuzco nodded his head, and told me in a sad tone, "Oh, hey. Could you tell everyone thanks for the parade? It was fantastic. But I don't deserve it."

"Yeah, you don't deserve it," I added lamely. "And you don't deserve to be emperor either."

"Tell me about it," Kuzco agreed and put his face in his palms. "I don't deserve great friends like Pacha."

I felt confused. This wasn't going like I played it out in my mind. He wasn't suppose to agree with me.

"Now you know what it feels like," I tried in an angry voice.

"What? You mean dirt? Is this what dirt feels like?" Kuzco moaned.

"No," I shouted at him. "What it feels like to be me? This is exactly what it feels like to lose everything you have and be completely alone. How does it feel, Emperor?"

For a while, Kuzco didn't move. But then he looked at me, his eyes squinting in the dark. "That voice," he whispered. "It sounds so familiar."

"Yeah, you should remember me," I hissed at him. "You ruined my life. You are the most selfish and conceited person I have ever met. And because of your actions, my family disowned me. Doesn't feel so great being on the other side of things, does it?"

"I do know you," Kuzco whispered, his eyes wide open.

"Yeah, you should, Kuzco," Kronk said. "She's the one who brought us to the parade. It wasn't that long ago."

"No, I know her from earlier," Kuzco said. "You were that girl with the crazy parents that tried to get me to marry you."

"Yeah, and because you wouldn't take me even as your whipping boy, they didn't think I was worth keeping around," I yelled at him. By this time, I was on full emotions. Admitting that my parents thought I was worthless opened up old wounds.

"But I knew you before that," Kuzco said, his face showing that his brain was recalling everything. "AH! You're that crazy girl that tried to kill me. Twice."

"Only because of the horrible things you said to me," I told him with a finger pointing. "It's a wonder nobody else tried to. And then you threw me out a window."

Kronk gasped. "Kuzco, you threw a young lady out the window," he said horrified.

"No," Kuzco defended himself. "I had my guards do it for me."

Kronk glared at him. "Oh, that's so wrong."

"I don't do it anymore. Jeez, how many times to I have tell people I'm sorry. It's not like anyone got hurt," Kuzco shouted with his arms over his head. ". . .Okay, maybe they were hurt, but nobody died!"

"And I'm not the only one who was hurt," I said softly trying to get the attention back to me. "There are many others who you've wronged. Well, we've had our revenge."

"Revenge? You mean that parade. . ."

"Yes. Didn't you like my orchestrated performance?" a squeaky voice said from the dark behind me. "It was all for you."

Scratch/Chasca moved up beside me, still hidden in her cloth.

"That voice," Kuzco said horrified. "Where do I know that voice?"

"Perhaps this will help you remember," Scratch/Chasca shouted.

Before any of us humans could react, Scratch/Chasca leaped into the air right at Kuzco. She latched onto the emperor's face, covering his head in the dirty cloth.

See, I'm not the only one who flies into a murderous furry whenever I see the Emperor.

Kuzco flailed his arms frantically. His screams were muffled as he cried for help.

"Hold on a minute, buddy," Kronk called, and grabbed hold of Scratch/Chasca with two hands. After some pulling, he pulled her away.

The dirty cloth dropped.

Kronk gasped as he saw who lay under it. "Yzma!" he exclaimed.

There was choking sounds coming from Kuzco, and I turned to see that something was shoved into his mouth. He pulled it out, and I could barely see in the darkness that it was a bottle with a little liquid still in it.

"Yzma?!" Kuzco cried out, his voice going very high.

"Yes, you fool," Scratch/Chasca laughed loudly. "You thought you had seen the last of me. Well, you didn't. And now you fell into my trap."

Kronk glared down at Scratch/Chasca/Yzma. "So that's why you stopped coming to Junior Chipmunks. I thought it was suspicious."

By this time, I was quite confused. And because a lot being said I didn't understand, I stood by like a tree.

"Trap!" Kuzco cried out, and realized what was in his hand. "You poisoned me?!"

"Look again, fool," Scratch/Chasca/Yzma purred. "It's the same exact potion I gave you when you fired me."

Kuzco's face went ashen. "You don't mean. . ."

"I sure do," Scratch/Chasca/Yzma cackled. "Have a wonderful time eating grass."

"Nooooooooo. I don't wanna be a llama again." Kuzco looked as if he were going bawl like a baby, but then he twisted his expression to that of loathe. "Well, take this, pussy cat." Kuzco launched the vile as hard as he could at Scratch/Chasca/Yzma.

My feline benefactor was quite fast, and dodged the projectile. To everyone's amazement, the vile didn't shatter against the cobblestones. No, it was quite lucky.

Unfortunately, I am not. The bottle ricocheted up from the ground and hit me in the face. It wasn't enough to knock me out, but hitting the road on the way down was.


	7. Chapter 7: A Change for the Bad

(Author's note: Lately I've been getting a lot of favorites on this story, so I thought that I would finally update. I apologize for the lateness. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again. As a warning to all readers, old and new. This fanfic is not high on my priority list. I'm slow to update, and that's not going to change because there is plenty in my life more important than fanfics. If you are anxious to know what will happen in the next chapter, here's some comfort. Sometimes I don't even know what will happen next. XD)

Don't Touch My Llama

Chapter 7: A Change For the Bad

By: Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

_If anyone would like to know what Llama Juice tastes like, it's actually quite pleasant. It tastes just like cherries mixed with vanilla and just a dash of cinnamon. It also tastes unnaturally cool, as if chilled before drinking. It's quite tasty, and very refreshing._

_ I would not suggest drinking it. The after taste is that of mold and sweat. Disgusting._

_ Oh, and you'll turn into a llama. So don't drink Llama Juice._

_ Not that I had a choice as Yzma rocketed at my face with a vial of the vile stuff. (Did you see what I did there. Vial and vile. Funny stuff, huh?)_

_ Not that I, at first, recognized the taste. I was more preoccupied with the furry ball that smelled of sour milk attacking my face. But I stayed calm until Kronk could rescue me from my plight. Once free from my tormentor, I coughed and sputtered until I could pull out the small vial from my mouth. Then I took big, deep breaths of sweet, sweet air._

_ "Yzma!" I heard my body guard gasp from by my side._

_ "Yzma?!" I shouted as well. (And for the record, my voice didn't go THAT high, Quillana.)_

_ "Yes, you fool," Izma laughed evilly from the ground. "You thought you had seen the last of me. Well, you didn't. And now you fell into my trap."_

_ Kronk said something about chipmunks (I hate those things), but I was too occupied with the aftertaste that was rising up my throat._

_ "Trap! You poisoned me?!" I cried out, as I realized I had a vial in my hand. But even as I said those words, I knew it wasn't quite right. The taste was too familiar to me._

_ "Look again, fool," Izma purred with satisfaction. "It's the same exact potion I gave you when you fired me."_

_ "You don't mean. . ." I started to say, but I knew it was true. I could feel the potion starting to work on my body even then._

_ "I sure do. Have a wonderful time eating grass," the small cat cackled with a wicked grin._

_ "Noooooooo. I don't wanna be a llama again," I cried out to the world. I could already feel my hands starting to melt together to form a cloven hoof. _ Well, _ I thought to myself, _if I'm going down, I might as well take her with me.

_ "Well, take this, pussy cat," I declared and hurled the bottle as hard as I could at Yzma._

_ Whether it was from feline instinct, or maybe Yzma is really good at dodging, I missed my mark. Instead, it defied all reason by bouncing off the cobblestone road and ricocheting up into the face of Yzma's companion. The girl had no time to react, and fell like a stone to the ground._

_ Kronk made a sound that was a mixture of a gasp and a squeal, and rushed to the fallen girl. "Miss, miss. Are you okay?" he called out, carefully cradling her head in his giant hands. "She's unconscious and her head is bleeding. She needs help."_

_ "_ She_ needs help?! I'm turning into a llama," I shouted at Kronk. My hands had already transformed, and I could feel it happening to my face. "Get her, Kronk. She should have the antidote," I ordered, pointing at Yzma._

_ Squeaky laughter shouldn't be that scary, but Yzma's still sent chills down my spine as she giggled at my plight. "You idiot, don't you think if I had the antidote, I would have used it on myself? No, there isn't one. You destroyed my laboratory. But I was lucky that I was able to salvage one potion from the wreckage. And destiny has a great sense of irony since it is the potion you just consumed."_

_ "NO!" I shouted, feeling my legs give out as they turned into the shaggy ones of a llama. I wanted to sit down and cry. I wanted to pound on the earth. I wanted revenge. "Well, if I have to spend the rest of my life as a llama, I'm not going to be the only one."_

_"Uh, Kuzco," I heard Kronk say in a small voice, but I didn't listen. "Something's wrong with this girl."_

_ "Not now, Kronk," I said as I pounced onto Yzma. I grabbed her as best as I could by the scruff of her neck. "Hand me the vial. I didn't drink all of it. There should be enough of the potion to turn her into a old llama."_

_ "OLD!" Yzma hissed at me, and turned into a whirlwind of flying fur and claws trying to scratch me._

_ I had to get her into position so I could pour the elixir into her mouth. _Oh, this would be so sweet_, I thought as I pushed her into the ground, practically standing on her, so she couldn't swipe at me with her claws._

_ "There's a problem," Kronk said, and held up an empty vial._

_ Yzma giggled insanely._

_ "What?! Don't tell me that it all spilled out," I moaned with a huff._

_ "Not exactly," Kronk said, and moved so I could see the unconscious young woman. In an instant her face changed into a llama shaped one._

_ "I didn't see that one coming," I muttered. Not that I was completely surprised. My life was turning into a complete fiasco, and I was finding out that I had no control over anything. This proved even more right when Yzma slipped out from beneath my hoof and rocketed away into the darkness._

_ "Kronk, you have to get her!" I ordered. "We can force her to make an antidote."_

_ "I'm on it," Kronk cried out with a large smile. I swear, he's not happy unless he's following someone's orders. After laying the young woman (now a young llama) down gently, he loped off, his gait akin to that of an over-sized puppy._

_ I had the utmost confidence that Kronk could find Yzma. He was the only person I knew who had a broad social network of obscure people and rodents to help him track the evil feline down. I actually believed at that point that he'd be back a split second later. However, after standing around in the dark for a good twenty minutes, I realized that he wasn't coming back any time soon. Not knowing what else to do, I looked around in the night, looking for a hint of where I should go. _

_ My first inclination was to return to my palace; after all, my state of being a llama shouldn't pose as a problem now that my guards know my story. An emperor who had been turned into a llama had no fear when he had a soldier that was an octopus. But the thought of falling into the same trap and showing my long face to my men was more embarrassment than I was willing to go through tonight. My second choice was to find Pacha. He had more experience than anyone on how to deal with llamas, much less llamas that used to be human. But I remembered the fight we just had and the disappointment on Tipo's face. Was that fight the end of our friendship? After all we've been through, had that been the last straw that broke Pacha's patience with me?_

_ Whether or not that Pacha still considered me his friend, I was sure that he was still a good person and would help my plight whether he liked me or not. He'd done it once, and he'd do it again. Bless that conscience of his._

_ As I started to mosey off in my chosen destination, I felt as if I was missing something. A quick glance behind reminded me that Yzma's little henchgirl was still lying on the cobblestones, completely transformed into a llama. I admit that I was tempted to leave her on the streets. No, tempted isn't a strong enough word. I wanted her to stay there in abject misery to suffer ten times what I went through. But that annoying little voice inside me insisted that she wasn't entirely guilty. Yzma could be quite persuasive, and was the one orchestrating the night's events. This girl was just as to blame as Kronk was._

_ Pacha must be rubbing off on me, because I turned back for her. It wasn't easy for me, but I decided to help her. In the best llama fashion I could, I grabbed the collar of her clothing in my teeth and started dragging her away._

_ I don't know what I was thinking; maybe I believed I could drag her all the way to Pacha, or perhaps I would eventually find her a hiding place until I could retrieve help. Either way, I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I started dragging her._

_ "Oh, you're so heavy," I grumbled after a few yards of the work. My teeth were hurting, my neck was starting to kink, and I was running out of energy. "Who knew women were so much work."_

_ I'll say this right now, if I abandoned the girl right there, I would have saved myself a lot of grief. For at that moment our presence was graced by two men, one who seemed to have been drinking too much since he was singing at the top of his lungs and was being helped to walk by his companion. The solo singer must have just begun his serenade since I didn't hear them until they were close by._

_ "Llama Gals won't ya come out toni', come out toni', come out toni'."_

_ "Zolin, do you really have to do that in my ear?"_

_ "Oh, come on. I have the voice of an angel," Zolin's said, his words slurred. "By the light of the moon!"_

_ Seeing that the two men were bee-lining directly toward us, I redoubled my efforts in dragging the heavy girl across the street. But it did little good. The shadow of the night only made it much easier for the two men to trip over the female llama body. I heard two surprised cries and the sound of pottery shattering mixed with liquid splashing. Instinctively I back away, abandoning the misdirected girl._

_ "What is this? I think we tripped over a rug," the one called Zolin called out far too loudly than needed. "Or a dead body."_

_ "It seems to be an alpaca," his companion said, who was already standing up and examining the transformed girl. "Out cold, but alive. Some unfortunate farmer must have lost it when he brought his herd in the city."_

_ "His lost," Zolin said jollily, grabbing the girl's face and opening her mouth to look at her teeth. "I bet we'd get quite a bit of coin for it."_

_ "Then we should hurry," the unnamed man said quietly. "We don't want the owner to find us before we sell it."_

_ I would have let my assailant be sold into llama servitude if it wasn't for Kronk. I know he'd be disappointed in me if I didn't do something. Besides, I wanted to punish her myself._

_ Keeping to the shadows, I spoke up, "Good sirs, I believe that is MY llama. I've been looking for her forever."_

_ The two men immediately stiffened, and backed away. The one that was not Zolin replied, "Oh, is it? We were just checking to see if the beast was well. After all, we first thought it was dead."_

_ "No, no. She's just. . ..ah. . .narcoleptic? Yeah, she falls asleep all the time in the strangest of places," I lied. "The kids love it. She'll be running around, and then suddenly THUD, she's asleep. Heh heh."_

_ "Sounds like you're quite attached to her," the second man said. "I don't suppose there is a reward for finding her."_

_ I berated myself for not keeping my answers simple. "Nope, no reward," I said quickly. "Have a good night, gentlemen." I gave my voice a specific tone that said I wanted to be left alone. But apparently Zolin didn't quite catch it._

_ "Let us give you s' help," Zolin said, moving to the girl in an unsteady way. "These beasts are heavy."_

_ My panic almost took over, and I had a hard time controlling my voice. "That. . .That's alright. I don't want to trouble you."_

_ Before my words changed Zolin's mind, he had lifted the girl's head up, which caused her to murmur something that sounded like, "One more minute, mom." The man jumped back in surprise._

_ "Did you hear that?" _

_ "No. Heard nothing," I answered._

_ "That llama just spoke," Zolin said while pointing at the transformed young woman._

_ "I believe it's an alpaca," his friend corrected. "And animals don't talk." I pegged him as one of those guys who couldn't let anything slide, and had to correct everything. I don't like those kind of guys._

_ "Look, she sometimes sounds like she can speak, but it's just gas," I told them, wishing that they would disappear._

_ "Hold on, let me light my torch," Zolin said, and I could tell he was groping for something in a pocket. _

_ To my dread, I heard the familiar sound of flint and steel followed by a fire sputtering to life, and then I could see my two companions. They both were around normal height and build, except the one holding the torch was a little pudgier than the other. And they were staring at me with wide eyes as if I had been transformed into a. . ._

Oh, wait, I am a llama. Silly me, _I thought._

_ My brain went blank, so I said the first thing on my mind._

_ "Neigh?" The two men looked even more shocked at my one word, so my mouth began to run without consulting my brain. "Oh, wait. It's horses that go 'neigh'. Ha ha. So what does a llama say?"_

_ The one that wasn't Zolin jumped and gave a high pitched squeal while pointing at me as if I were a hairy spider in his bathtub._

_ Zolin's mouth dropped open and he smiled. "There's two talking llamas," he said with a chuckle. "I must be drunker than I thought."_

_ "But I'm not," Zolin's friend declared, looking bewildered at the whole situation. "A real talking llama. And he's standing like a person."_

Oh yeah. . . I guess llamas don't stand like this_, I thought._

_ "Come on, llama. Say something else," Zolin said as he grabbed my face. "Can you fly, llama?" _

_ "No, and let go. And I'm not a llama. I was just turned into one."_

_ Zolin just laughed, and rubbed his hand down my neck._

_ Did I look like a petting zoo?_

_ "You're funny llama. Let's take him home," Zolin said to his friend, looking like a little child who found a puppy._

_ "Or better yet, let's take them both on the annual merchant's march. I'm sure we can sell them for a good amount of money to an exotic animal collector. Or a circus," the other one said._

_ "Yay, I like circuses," Zolin said._

_ I didn't like how this conversation was going, so I decided to make myself scarce, girl or no girl. The trouble was that running on two feet was something that a llama body wasn't made to do. I tripped on my own hooves and down I went onto the cobblestones. Just as the pain of gravity set in, I felt a human body pile on top of me, squeezing out whatever breath I had left._

_ "Good job, Zolin. Keep him still while I go borrow a cart," the other man said, and left._

_ Not to give up, I used my most powerful weapon against Zolin. My mouth._

_ "Help! Someone help me. Llama nappers. Thieves. Don't let them get away with it," I shouted at the top of my lungs. I wasn't sure what it would accomplish, but anyone would have been better than these two knuckle-draggers._

_ "Shut him up, Zolin."_

_ That was the last thing I heard before an enormously sharp pain was admitted to the back of my neck and things went dark._

_ So, my day ended with me being turned into a llama, and knocked out. Funny how my life goes around in circles._


End file.
